Insert Sparkling Shipmates Here
by Here for the Twister
Summary: A parody expressly made for The Anti-Cliche and Mary-Sue Elimination Society - Edward Cullen meets the ultimate Mary Sue and somehow, they're on a very familiar ship. As the plotholes spread, how will this be resolved?


**Disclaimer: **Evidently, I don't own Twilight. And Willowe Diamond Sparkle Ravenne Hyacinth Aurelia Heliotrope Dewdrop Arwennia Delilah Aphrodite Bob Foxblade the Third and her various relatives belong to **The Anti-Cliche and Mary-Sue Elimination Society**, for which this is very obviously written.

The crowd on the docks seemed to hold their breath as Willowe Diamond Sparkle Ravenne Hyacinth Aurelia Heliotrope Dewdrop Arwennia Delilah Aphrodite Bob Foxblade the Third stepped gracefully aboard the waiting ship, her mass of auburn hair somehow managing to stay only mildly-unkempt in the stiff breeze blowing straight from the English Channel. She held out her slim, ivory hand to a waiting porter and he nearly fell into the water with gratitude – the honour! To help such a wonderful specimen of human life aboard the magnificent _Titanic_!

However, he wasn't to know that she was beyond the realms of normal speculation – barely human in the slightest (and hardly exactly wonderful either, though nobody was to know that quite yet).

From the deck above, Edward Cullen watched, awestruck. He put it quickly from his mind that he was _supposed_ to be only eleven years old at this point, and definitely _not_ in Southampton, England. After all, he wasn't to know about the several invisible but highly dangerous plotholes that had just popped into existence aboard the ship. He brushed his ice cold hand against the railing of the ship and stared at the new arrival in amazed wonder. She couldn't be…?

It seemed like only a second before Willowe was beside him on deck, his topaz eyes captivated by her glowing crimson orbs.

"You have been waiting a long time," she murmured, her voice more gentle than that breeze blowing in off the English Channel (which really wasn't gentle at all, but still managed to keep her hair in the perfect state of almost-messy-but-still-elegant that was her speciality). "And so have I."

"What have _you_ been waiting for?" Edward countered, while doing the thing with his voice that made it sound like velvet, conveniently ignoring his mind reading abilities for the sake of the story.

"I've been searching far and wide for someone to show me the way… the way to be good." Willowe managed to produce a tear. "After my parents were brutally murdered by the Volturi, I was turned by Aro himself, but I don't want to be that way… I want to be a Cullen."

Edward was speechless. "I… I mean… but… how… Why did the Volturi change you?"

Willowe sighed again, the breeze doing a swift switcharound to blow her mouth-watering scent towards Edward, leaving him almost powerless. "I have abilities they wanted so very much. Abilities I don't think I can speak of here…"

She decided not to mention that that power happened to be the ability to warp any world she happened to land in throughout the whole of fiction. Come on, that would _seriously_ spoil her fun. And _how_ she was having fun.

"You have been waiting for so long, Edward," she breathed. "You have been waiting for a great love, like Jasper and Alice, or Emmett and Ashley…"

"I thought Emmett was with Rosalie?" Edward shook his head suddenly, trying to clear the image of those crimson eyes from his mind. "And hang on… I'm_ sure _I've heard somewhere miraculously not-related-to-my-life that you have a sister called Ashley… and isn't she _ten_?"

"Oh, they're not _together_ together," Willowe patted Edward's arm reassuringly as the ship began to pull out of the harbour. "Emmett imprinted on her. Rosalie understands."

"But… Emmett's not a werewolf… or shapeshifter, or whatever they're calling themselves these days…" Edward screwed up his face in pain. How was this girl enchanting him so? Parts of his mind were trying to convince him that Emmett hadn't even been born yet, that he hadn't even _heard_ of the Cullens... After all, wasn't it 1912?

"Never mind _that_ train of thought, they are having a party in steerage and I think we should go and dance," Willowe tugged on Edward's arm and started to direct him down the stairs, knowing that her superior dancing skills would impress him no end, especially coupled with the thrillingly slutty green lacy dress she'd somehow put on somewhere between the harbour and the Irish dancing party. It would also stop this nasty ring of thought in his head from spinning on further – it was vital that he didn't realise the enormous inaccuracies in their situation. For example, it had suddenly become night on the Titanic, and Edward couldn't be sure but he had a feeling several days had passed. When had that happened?

"STOP!"

Edward looked up, his sharp ears picking up a lone voice among the cheerful rabble and bouncy music. Willowe grabbed him and spun him around, trying to keep his attention firmly on her.

"Watch this Edward – I was trained in ballet, you know!" she simpered, started to rise up onto pointes very slowly, ignoring a fellow redhead-in-a-green-dress on the other side of the room attempting a similar feat.

"Never mind that, get out of the way!"

Now, Edward was sure that in all his years as a vampire, he'd never seen a figure quite like _this_ one before…

"Stop that right away, Edward Cullen!" the girl growled, shaking her long, somewhat frizzy side fringe out of her face. "You can't think about 'all your years' as a vampire, you've never even met one yet! Whoever's writing this crap has chucked you into the completely wrong time period and they've mixed you up with god knows what! You'll be bursting into 'I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts' in the halls of Hogwarts next!"

"I'm confused…" said Edward. The girl, who seemed to be wearing a tight t-shirt with 'Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society' printed across the front, sighed impatiently.

"See, you're _confused_, and I'm sure I heard you _stuttering_ before – completely out of character. And it's all _her_ fault!" She pointed dramatically to Willowe, who was in the process of slowly backing out of the room.

"Oh, why do you lot always have to turn up and spoil my fun?" she groaned, suddenly not seeming quite so fantastic to Edward. In fact, Edward was starting to remember where he was supposed to be – somewhere almost one hundred years in the future.

"Edward, unless you're hiding Emmett under that table I think you should go through that plothole back there…" the ACMSES girl turned around to reveal the word 'ROOKIE' printed in big letters on the back of her shirt while pointing to the plothole she had fallen through. "If you_ do _happen to be concealing Emmett on you anywhere, you're not leaving until I've taken him. I'm Jess, by the way…"

"I believe I will be leaving now," Edward shook the girl by the hand, a little bit scared for his brother… the traditional self-inserts were bad enough, but this one looked a bit violently inclined. "I seem to remember I have a wife and daughter to look after… just one question." He fixed his glare on Jess, who failed to blush, preferring to glare back. "How on earth did I end up on the Titanic?"

Jess shrugged. "These badfics work in mysterious ways… you'd have to ask this one." She reached over and lazily grabbed a hank of Willowe's hair, stopping her from moving at any speed. Somehow, the Irish were still dancing away happily. Jess, not exactly innocent when it came to the demon drink, felt she could draw comparisons to weird events on a student night at university: if it wasn't happening to you, the vodka was more important. "Off you go, Eddie, I'll finish things up here."

"Please don't call me that," he visibly grimaced, and then sped to the plothole, quickly vanishing.

"Now, as for _you_… I can't believe after all this time you let yourself get caught by a newbie. I'm not letting you go now." Jess turned to stare Willowe in her eerily red eyes. "…Hang on. I haven't been a member of the Society very long, but I _swear_ none of them ever mentioned that you're a vampire. When did _this_ happen?"

"Oh, it was just part of the plan…" Willowe shrugged. "They're contacts."

Suddenly, there was chaos – at least for Jess. Willowe was poking around in her own eye, trying to pull out the contact lens to make her point.

"Oh my god… eyeballs!" Jess let go of Willowe's hair and buried her face in her hands, unable to stand the sight of someone touching their own eye.

"Wow… they're really losing their touch," Willowe smiled to herself, gliding swiftly over to the nearest plothole and leaping through, accompanied by a cheer from several drunken Irishmen who had the notion she was performing a complicated dance move.

"Jess!" A tall blonde girl came hurtling out of the plothole and grabbed Jess by the wrist. "I was just coming to give you some backup and I _swear_ that was Willowe Diamond Sparkle Ravenne Hyacinth Aurelia Heliotrope Dewdrop Arwennia Delilah Aphrodite Bob Foxblade the Third coming past me!"

"It was… terrible, Tash…" Jess whispered hoarsely.

"I know, I shouldn't have sent you out alone on your first try…" Tash patted Jess reassuringly. "She's evaded the best of us. How did she get past you?"

"She… she took her contacts out."

Tash sighed, and drew herself up to her full (considerable) height. "And so Willowe Diamond Sparkle Ravenne Hyacinth Aurelia Heliotrope Dewdrop Arwennia Delilah Aphrodite Bob Foxblade the Third escapes again… One day the Society will prevail. One day…"

"Oh, stop getting all literary, Tash." Well, Jess had certainly recovered from her trauma. "This boat isn't going to sink for a while yet – let's join the party!"

With a strangely inarticulate squeal, Jess threw herself head first into a posse of partying Irishmen.

Tash sighed. "Rookies." …and threw herself in behind her.


End file.
